My Existential Crisis:

As if one existential crisis weren’t bad enough, I now have to deal with a karate-related one as well.

Yesterday, after a nice yoko geri class, (in which I was relatively awful,) I stayed at the dojo for a long time, talking with Sensei about the status of the school, and its financial situation. I won’t get into details, but, basically, he’s starting to worry about it, and isn’t sure that it can continue as-is for much longer.

(By the way, I really appreciate that he’s so willing to share things like this with me lately. It’s not that he’s letting me in on any big secrets or anything. It’s just the amount of time he’s willing to put into talking to me about these things… It makes me feel almost like his friend.)

At one point, although he didn’t say it directly, Sensei implied that I’m a bit of a special student - someone for whom karate is more important than it is for most people… someone who cares about the state of the school, and gives back to it. Of course, this is a huge compliment. But, the responsibility it implies also terrifies me, especially given Sensei’s concerns over the future of the school.

As a dedicated karateka, I feel that I have more responsibilities than a casual student. I’m not just learning karate to get in shape, to network, or to learn self defense. Although, I honestly couldn’t tell you the reason why I train. All I know is that karate is not just a hobby for me. I care for the art itself. I worry for its future, and for its future students.

In a way, I almost feel like it would be better to just give up training now.

This probably sounds ridiculous coming from a yellow belt, but, lately, I’ve found myself looking towards the future more and more, and I’m starting to feel like my training is just a waste of time. It’s a dead end. I’ll probably never own my own school, never get a chance to teach other people what I’ve learned… and, even if I were to do so, would I ever really be qualified? I honestly don’t know if I can see myself passing on the art correctly. And, yet, nearly every day, Sensei spends his precious time patiently guiding me through everything he’s learned over the years.

When I look around at the students at the dojo now, I don’t see much hope for the future. There are some fantastic students, and some that are quite motivated and passionate. But, there’s no one that I can honestly see passing on what they’ve learned. Some students are simply too old. Some are too busy with work or school or their families. Does this mean that Sensei’s nearly 30 years of teaching has totally gone to waste? Is there no one that is going to pass on what he worked so hard to give us?

Is it up to me? Me, who started so late? Me, who will probably always view herself as an eternal kouhai? Me, who makes excuses for her sloppy form, is lazy, and has bad knees?? Am I the one that this responsibility is going to fall on?

Each day I go to the dojo, Sensei initials my attendance card… but you could also say that he adds another “RR” to my sense of obligation. The more I learn, the more I embrace the dojo, and the more of Sensei’s time I take up, the more weight is added to my shoulders. The longer I’m there, the deeper down the well I go… and the smaller the light at the entrance becomes.

If I don’t get out now, I might never be able to. If I don’t get out now, I might soon find myself having to teach something I’m not sure I’ll ever truly understand. If I don’t get out now, I’ll probably end up teaching watered down waza, disgracing the name of Miyagi-sensei, and ruining an entire new generation of karateka. I should just quit while I’m ahead.

But… I can’t. It’s already too late. I’m already in too deep. I can’t leave something that’s become so much a part of who I am… something that I’ve come to love so deeply.

What am I getting myself into?

In Which the Dojo is Still My Second Home:

The black belt testing has begun.

… It’s awesome.

It’s actually kind of strange, since the test does all kinds of weird things to my training. Some days, I feel like I’m being tested myself, and, other days, I’ll spend half the class sitting in seiza. I like it, actually, since it adds another layer of unpredictability to class. Although, I imagine it’s probably a bit confusing for my kouhai.

It reminds me of one aikido class I attended a few months back… One of the highest kyu students was asked to demonstrate a bunch of techniques while the rest of us watched. At the time, I felt kind of like it was a waste. “Why are we using class time for this?” I hope that’s not how my kouhai feels. I hope he enjoys watching the testing as much as I do.

I feel like I’m being given a little bit more responsibility in the dojo lately. Well… maybe “responsibility” isn’t quite the right word. I guess what I mean is that l think Sensei is asking more of me during class. I might just be imagining things, though. He’s probably just been asking me to do things consistent with my level the entire time.

I do feel more like I’m part of the dojo community lately, though. I’ve definitely been hanging out with Sensei after class more often, at least. Now the he’s discovered that I’m fairly competent with computers, I seem to be his “go to” person for technology questions. Unfortunately, this also means that his computer-related opinions are starting to influence me… which just culminated today in me buying a MacBook for way over my budget.

Sensei has become such a huge influence in my life… and I don’t just mean because he told me which laptop to buy, or because he left giant (and I’m not lying) bruises on my arms from ude tanren. I wonder if he realizes.